Friendships Unreliable - Pain Unavoidable - Reality Inevitable -- A Call to Love

The title of the blog has 4 parts to it. The first three fit together well. The last part seems to be off on it's own. An explanation is due:

Friendships Unreliable
In life, there will be friendships - deep and shallow alike. Many will be simple. The "chit-chat" friendship. You talk about the weather, perhaps you make jokes together, but neither of you confide in each other. That's ok. Many friendships will be like that in life. In fact, most will be. Rarely will you be hurt by those who are merely acquaintances. However, there are those whose friendships are rooted deep - whether through time, a circumstance, or family. These are the people you would willingly give your life for. You open up and share your struggles and victories. These are the friendships that can destroy a life if they aren't handled with care. The fact is, these friends will eventually let you down. We are human - we fail. They may do it by accident, or perhaps in spite, but it will happen. There is no "if".

Pain Unavoidable
In a deep friendship, there will be pain. Perhaps it can come through a death of a friend, or perhaps though a sharing of one's struggles. More often though, I see a pain that stabs deep in the heart of a person. The stab from a dagger, held in familiar hands. It drives deep and cuts open. It leaves a scar across the heart sealed with tears. This pain will come. I've felt it. It comes without warning. It comes with a blow that will knock the strongest off balance.

Reality Inevitable
This is the real thing. It's inevitable. Without cause or with good reason, a wound will come which will cause you to recoil. If you face this reality, you won't be as surprised when it hits. If you avoid it, you only deceive yourself and put yourself in a vulnerable position. It's a gloom reality.

If I were to leave it at this, one would think, "Ok, I will never open up, I will never reveal my problems or thoughts." I will not, however, end this blog on a grim note. The last part brings it closure; however, first I want to share with you a story.

Recently I was conversing with a friend of mine. This friend had been hurt many times by "friends". Opening up was hard. In the past, my friend had confided in many who were supposedly trusted. However, time after time, each one let down my friend to the point of not trusting anyone. It took a toll. The word used in the conversation was "burned". Without the ability to truly open up to others, many times feelings would be bottled up. I was one of the few my friend had confided in, within the few years.

I related completely....

Time and time again, I have confided and opened up to people I assumed were trust worthy people. Many times it would be a secret that I wanted to share. Within a week, it came back around and everyone knew. It almost seemed the people around me knew what had happened...before it happened. I find something very disturbing with this picture. Do you?

Before I continue, I want to be the first to admit I haven't always been the most reliable or the most trusted friend in the past. I've had my fair share of slip ups. I am not perfect. Therefore, I am breaking this up and writing to two groups of people -- Those who have a listening ear and those who have a seared heart.

To Those who Listen
I hope you are as disgusted as I am by this. Many times I have thought this to myself. "Self - I would never do this sort of thing. I hate it when people do this to me". You very well may be thinking exactly this. Don't deceive yourself. You've let out secrets. Most of the time it's by accident. If not by accident, it's through the assumption that "they won't care if I share this with you". Rarely, (or so I hope) is it done maliciously. However, most of the time, what I've heard people do, and what I am guilty of as well, is telling only one person. You proceed the revelation of the secret with this phrase, "Ok...don't tell anyone but...". First off, you've broken your pact. Second, almost without fail, this person will proceed to another ONE friend and use the exact same phrasing. Before long, the secret is out. Here is a good rule that I stick with. Every conversation is personal, so keep it that way unless otherwise informed. Now, I want to speak both to the guys and the girls.

To the Girls
I want to speak specifically to the girls on this. In all respect, please do not take offense. If you are one who is faithful and trusted, I thank God for your sensitivity. However, the ones whom I have been hurt by the most are girls. Almost without fail, it is a girl who will ask me about something that I might have told someone else about. The reason? Girls talk twice as much as guys do. You don't do it on purpose. That's the way you are built, you love to talk. Nothing is wrong with this. It's how God designed you. However, with it, seems to come the tendency of talking too much about subjects that shouldn't come up. I plead with you to continually be filtering what you are revealing.

I want to tell you something you might not realize. You girls have a much more outward-showing sensitive heart toward things. You relate and are affected by situations. As a guy, I love opening up to a (few) "sisters". These are the girls in my life whom I tell many things to. They show compassion that most guys won't. Don't get me wrong, I also open up to my close guy friends as well (most of the time more so than to girls), but you girls have a special added touch. Don't hurt that. Don't break that. Use it! Use it for the lifting up of your brothers and sisters.

To the Guys
Guys. We have a tendency to not listen. We don't talk as much, yes, which is why less often do we divulge "secrets". We just talk about the dead animal we saw or some ridiculously stupid thing we did. It's how we roll. However, as I said, our ears are closed. I want to exhort you to open your eyes and see the hurt in your friend around you. Whether it's your roommate or your sister, listen and HEAR what they are saying! Do not turn a deaf ear. Many times we don't know what to say. THAT'S OK! Many times we just need to be there and comfort, pray and give a hug. The hurting just want someone to talk to. You don't have to give your "advice". You don't have to quote scripture. Just be a shoulder to lean on.

This is the last section -- A Call to Love. Please consider.

To the Seared Heart
As mentioned above, life hurts sometimes. Your friend perhaps has let you down. You understand my friend's story and mine. Memories came rushing back of a time when your heart was thrust through like a piece of meat. You won't open up to anyone. If you do, details are off limits. All your friends get are the main points, "sub-points" are unshared. You regret the day you even considered befriending and opening up. Let me tell you something - Friendship is a RISK. I will also tell you that this is a risk you MUST take.

Every time you come to someone and pour your heart and soul out, you are gambling. Perhaps it's a gamble with very good odds, but you are still entrusting your heart to another. I want to tell you it's OK to open up. I also want to remind you that you also have probably at some point, done the same to another. You've also hurt someone. You sought forgiveness. Perhaps it was found, but the close bond is not as strong. As you remember this, I want to give you a call to love. If you were hurt by a friend, love them anyway. Remember even when we disappoint and slap Christ in the face every day, He loves us with the same sacrificial and infinite love. We should do the same for our friends. I want you to unconditionally, irrationally, fervently, love them for who they are. NOT what the they have done.

To finish out (if you've made it this far), I want you to read the fourth chapter of 1 John. Love is the theme. No where does it give us an excuse not to love our brother in Christ.

Thoughts and comment are greatly appreciate.
With all Love,
Adam